imaginatus | endgame open post

Yeah. [ The answer is muffled into Steve’s shoulder. ] Is that okay?

[ He already knows it is - Steve has dealt with Tony stealing his clothes since they were dating, even if back then they weren’t quite so loose on him. Tony’s question is more along the lines if he’s okay with him doing this again.

At the sound of Steve’s laugh, Tony can’t help but choke out a small laugh or his own. ]

I know. Doesn’t quite fit me like before, does it. [ He turns to him and presses a kiss against his cheek. ]

No. It really doesn't. [ He says, smiling even if his eyes are misting up a little. Now that they're holding each other again, completely in private, Steve just takes a few breaths in and out. He just needs to feel this — the living warmth of Tony's body, and the understanding that they can still laugh even if the world feels like there could never be light again.

Finally, though, Steve rubs his eyes into the fabric of the hoodie a little, so they're a little clearer with he lifts his head back up to look at Tony. ]

And of course it's okay.

[ He nestles his cheek against Tony's temple. ]

I always loved it when you wore my clothes.

[ Tony stays still, moving his hand gently along Steve’s back as they hold each other. Now that they’re alone, he wants to give Steve the time and the distance from others that they didn’t get out on the lawn. It’s easier when they’re alone, after all.

When Steve looks back at him, the faintest sign of a smile pulls at his lips. ]

Good. I...needed something that smelled like you while you were gone.

[ The admission is quiet, but very much there for Steve to hear. ]

I’m so glad you’re back.

[ At the admission, Steve smiles a little too, even if its pained. But Tony should be able to feel the way his lips curl against him. ]

God, I love you. [ He whispers, before he closes his eyes and for the first time since they killed Thanos, two tears overflow from Steve's eyes and roll down his cheeks. One of them drips down onto the hoodie. ] I'm so sorry I wasn't here Tony. I'm sorry I couldn't fix it. I'm sorry that I could've had two full years with you and Pete and I wasn't there. [ He's whispering the entire time and the apologies seem to just come pouring out. At the end of this, he knows that Bucky is gone too. That it was the family he grew up with versus the family he found — and that in the end, he'd lost them both.

He'd lost everyone except Tony, who, despite everything, is still here, holding him.

Steve buries his face back into the hoodie then, and while he's not in danger of breaking into any sobs, he can feel his cheeks getting wetter, and god, he'd really like for it to stop. ]

I love you, too.

[ His voice is quiet, his hand continuing to move gently along his back to comfort him. He’s ready to say something, but Steve’s voice stops him, especially at what he has to say. The apology makes him feel like it twists at his heart, and he hugs him as tight as he can. He wishes he could tell him it’s okay, and he could, but it’s not like it’s going to return the last two years. Their son won’t just come back with that. But Tony knows the helplessness and the grief he’s feeling after such a heavy failure, and his own eyes full with tears. ]

I know. [ His voice sounds choked and he nods slightly. ] If I could bring him back—... if I could give you that time back with him, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

I’m sorry, too. I could have called you, and I didn’t. I’m sorry.

[ What Tony says is so sweet that it's heart-wrenching, and at the sound of Tony's own choked apology, all Steve can do is nod into his shoulder. His eyes are closed tight, like somehow, that could stop the flow of tears that seem endless now.

At some point, he sucks in a breath, thinking that maybe he's recovered enough to talk, but he's so utterly wrong that he just buries himself into Tony again.

In the end, Steve does finally pull back, and uses the back of his hand to wipe away the wetness from his cheeks, and using his thumbs to brush at the tears on Tony's. ]

I'm so happy you're alive Tony. [ He admits, and there's pain there. ] That's what makes this so hard. I don't—... [ He wipes his face again as his eyebrows seem to wince before he says: ] I don't know how to grieve for Peter — [ Steve starts shaking his head. ] —and be so... grateful for you at the same time.

[ It's not that Steve has to pick between one or the other. He's feeling both simultaneously, and it's tearing him up inside.

And then, comes perhaps the cruelest question a parent can ask of themselves. It's one that has been floating around in Steve's mind ever since he saw the destroyed gauntlet. ] Do you ever wish, secretly, that it would've been one of us, instead of him? [ Because he does. It's so obvious that Steve wished that he could make a trade. That he could snap his own fingers and take Peter's place. ]

[ Tony lets him keep his face buried in him as he works through what he’s feeling, his own tears silently slipping past. When Steve pulls back, he reaches up to help wipe his tears as well, oblivious of his own until Steve’s thumb brushed against his face, and he can’t help but pause for a moment when he says he’s so grateful he’s alive. Not in a bad way, but Tony himself still hasn’t been able to allow himself to be glad to be alive. Every night he falls asleep wondering why he’s still here, why he was spared.

That’s why, when Steve asks that question, it doesn’t really ruffle him at all. It’s something he has been feeling the weight of since Peter disappeared in his arms, and for a moment he can feel himself being back in Titan. He can hear him, telling him that he doesn’t feel so good. He can hear him telling him how he doesn’t want to go as he clutches at him, as if somehow he could keep him tethered there for a bit longer, but ultimately he had just disappeared right in front of his eyes. He can feel the dust between his fingers, he can feel it burning in his lungs, and—

And he makes himself blink back to reality. To their room, the silence of it. There’s no ruins surrounding him, it’s just the compound. There’s just Steve.

Finally, he answers: ]

Every day. Every day I wish I wasn’t here so he could be. [ His throat feels so dry suddenly, but he keeps talking. ] ...I shouldn’t be here, Steve. I almost died. I should have died [ he corrects bitterly ] but the guy that had the time stone traded it for me. For some god damned reason I can’t figure out, he gave Thanos the stone so he could spare me when he was ready to end it.

[ He pulls back from Steve then so he can sit on the edge of the bed, his own survivor guilt finally coming to the surface. ]

All I keep thinking is that, maybe if he wouldn’t have done that, Peter could have come home. He’d be here, and he’d be okay. But he didn’t. He traded it, and why? For this? [ He shakes his head slowly, heavily. ] It wasn’t worth the trade.

Edited 2019-05-23 13:39 (UTC)

[ Tony goes somewhere. Steve can feel it in the way he basically stops responding, and while they've never experienced any trauma of this magnitude together, Steve still remembers the nightmares he used to pull Tony out of at night, and how panicked Tony could be when he came out of them.

But this isn't that. He can feel it in his gut, and before Steve would decide to wait it out, give Tony his time, he's already back and answering.

The answer Steve gets, however, is a lot more than he asked for, and given how much information Tony is giving him about what happened and how it's haunted him, it pulls Steve completely out of his own emotional mess.

When Tony sits on the edge of the bed, Steve joins him, but aside from reaching for his hand, doesn't ever interrupt. When Tony's done, Steve just thinks for a minute. ]

What reasons... could there be, for him to trade it? [ Better to ask Tony than to come up with his own theory. ] There has to be at least one. Otherwise, it makes no sense.

[ It feels wrong that Steve reaches for his hand, because Tony doesn't feel like he deserves it. Not when it feels like he's here when their son isn't - when Peter should be the one that should be here instead. ]

I don't know. [ The words sound pained, because this isn't the first time Tony has thought of this. It's one of the many reasons why his head is in such a dark place, why he hates himself so much, even if he has been doing a relatively good job not saying anything. ] He said it was the only way. But how can it be, when the stones don't even exist anymore?

[ He runs his free hand along his face, as if that will help him think but it's like every other time. Nothing comes to mind, and he hates it. ]

Without the stones, we can't undo any of this.

[ Steve doesn't have an answer for him, even if he's trying so hard to come up with something. But sadly, time travel isn't something that will even occur to any of them until years from now and only after Scott Lang shows up at the compound.

There's a lot Steve could choose to do right now. He could try to convince Tony that there is a meaning to it all. Or that even if the stone keeper hadn't given Thanos the stone, it could've been taken from them, or Thanos could have killed Tony and Peter anyways. But ultimately, Steve doesn't do any of those things. There's simply no way to know. And he wasn't there.

Instead, there's only one thing that Steve does know. ]

So we don't stop looking for another way.

[ He says it quietly, because deep down, even if there is no other way, Steve knows that he can't even just give up on seeing Peter again. ]

I...

[ He's not sure if this will help, but he has to say it. ]

Vision, before he died, he wanted us to just give him up to Thanos, so the rest of us could live. I told him that we're not in the business of trading lives.

Right now. I would trade. Mine for Peter's. So I could bring him back to you. [ Not us. Or me. You. Tony.

He doesn't actually expect Tony to object to this kind of solution, and maybe that says something about the massive guilt he feels for having left. But the point of him saying all this isn't to compare who between them is more willing to die for Peter. ]

So. If we both feel that way. Then we don't stop looking. We... [ It's hard for him to say this because he isn't ready. ] find some way of... dealing with this, us, our... [ Guilt? Grief? He decides then, not to finish that sentence. ] And then, no matter how long it takes. Whatever it takes. [ Their own lives included. ] And we look for a way. Until either, we're gone, or Peter isn't anymore.

[ It's a hard line. Maybe even a lifetime dedicated to anguish and grief, given the impossibility of their task. But Steve is willing to take it.

Some people move on. But not us. ]

[ Tony nods slightly, quiet as he looks down. It looks as if he's busy staring at their joined hands, and partly that is the reason, but he just feels so damn lost that it's hard to really think.

But then Steve says how he would trade his life to bring Peter here, back to him, and Tony shakes his head slightly. Because the idea of losing Steve, even hypothetically, fills him with dread and his grip on Steve's hand finally tightens. As if to tell him, no, I need you here. Please, please don't go. ]

Okay.

[ His voice is quiet, but it's very much there even if it hurts. For Peter, for Steve, he'll muster up whatever he needs in order to make it work even if right now he's filled with doubt. Still, he has to try. For them, he'll do it. ]

Whatever it takes.

[ He really doesn't expect him to object. At this point, he wouldn't blame Tony if his love for Peter greatly outweighs his love for his husband. But when he sees the shake of his head and feels the pressure on his hand, it's enough to make him pause. Steve knows that all of this would be infinitely worse if he'd lost Tony too. If it was him alone that had to handle what was left of the world. He imagines that the weight of that feeling could be the same for Tony.

After that, there's only a moment of stillness after Tony agrees, before Steve wraps his other arm around Tony and gently pulls him in. ]

For whatever it's worth.

I would trade my life. But I could never trade yours.

[ Not even for Peter. Not because he doesn't love him so severely that his heart seems broken without him. But because Steve could never pick between them. And he could never, ever, trade either of them for the other. ]

[ It’s amazing how much things can change in a week. When he had first arrived from being stranded in space, even in his weakened state, Tony wouldn’t have accepted this embrace so easily. He would have tensed immediately, would have almost tried to pull away within moments.

But here, now, when Steve pulls him in he moves close and buries his face in the crook of his neck. He both still can’t believe Steve doesn’t hate him for not finding a way to bring their son home, and he’s thankful for it all at the same time. He doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t think, but he just wants to get lost here for a moment. ]

I love you, Steve. [ Some part of him is still afraid he’ll leave again, he can’t help that after a two year absence, but... ] I love you, so much.

[ When Tony buries himself in that familiar spot, Steve instinctively turns his head towards him and breathes him in. He's missed this. God how much he's missed this. And he remembers too, how Tony had cringed at his touch just a week ago, and Steve just closes his eyes for a minute, thankful that he hasn't lost Tony too.

And then Tony says that he loves him, and like that. It melts his heart. It makes Steve wish more than anything in the world, that there was some way he could make all of this better. ]

Tony, I love you so goddamn much.

[ Steve's never quite said it like that before. But then again, over the last two years, and even after the Accords were proposed, Steve's changed in a few ways. His language at times is rougher — not any less charismatic, but the words he chooses to use are grittier. And he's stopped acting like he needs permission to do what he wants to do. After they fought at the hanger, Steve realized something incredibly important. There is no higher human authority. Not SHIELD. Not the U.S. government. There is only your own moral compass and ability to believe in people. As long as he follows that, he's appealing to the highest authority he knows. ]

[ With how close Tony’s face is against Steve’s neck, he may feel how there’s a shift in his expression as a faint smile tugs at his lips at the addition to Steve’s vocabulary. It’s so different than the way he has been used to hearing Steve express himself, that it takes him by surprise.

Giving his hand a squeeze, he shifts his position slightly so he can look up at him but he stays close enough that he’s still in Steve’s embrace. ]

Can we get away, even if it’s just for a weekend? [ We. Now Steve has been added to his plan to ditch the compound. ] We can come back, I’m assuming we’ll need to. But can we get away at least for a few days?

[ We. Steve hears it too and squeezes Tony's hand a little tighter because of it. And of course he nods. ]

Yeah. [ He says, smiling. ] I think that'd be good for us.

[ As he holds his husband though, Steve realizes: ] Do you want to leave, and just—... trust that we'll know when it's time to come back?

[ There's so much more they need than a change of setting. They need a change of pace, or people, or ideas, or life. Steve understands — if they're going to pursue the impossible for the rest of their lives, they need to rest. Tony's still in recovery, even if he's getting stronger, and for all those days between Tony disappearing into space and coming back, he and Natasha ran themselves ragged at the compound. He's seen what it's done to her. They can't stay here.

And Steve's pretty sure that whatever they need, at this point, they can either take it with them or re-create it. ]

[ Tony leans his head against Steve’s shoulder, considering his question for a moment before answering. ]

I don’t know if I’d really know when to come back.

[ It’s not a good answer, but it’s an honest one. Right now Tony wants to leave and never look back. Especially since it’s not just the world that needs rebuilding - technically their relationship is still on the mend. He himself feels tired and just overly beaten by everything that has happened. It may be the cowards way out, to run away, but Tony feels as depleted as it gets. Add that to the fact that he’s crushed by their son’s death... ]

Just...I don’t think I’m the best person for that answer right now. I’d come back with you, but if you left it up to me, I don’t know if I can. At least not for a while.

[ Steve hugs Tony's entire body a little tighter for a moment. He knows they're both spent, especially Tony. But it isn't until now that he fully understands how much Tony needs to rest. Steve doesn't view this as running away. He views it as ... a man who worked endlessly to save the world for years, finally knowing that he needs a break.

He gets it. ]

What I meant was— [ He whispers into Tony's temple, with a trace of a smile on his lips. ] —let's just go. For more than a couple of days. For as long as we want.

[ He just keeps holding Tony for a while, kissing him once, gently, right above his ear. ]

And I'll let you know when I need to come back. But I wouldn't be surprised if it takes me months to feel that way. Maybe even longer.

[ Admitting that he wasn’t sure when or if he’d want to come back had made him nervous, even if he hadn’t been conscious of it, because he half wondered if Steve would judge him for it. After all, they’ve been in this life together for years. It’s been one of their common grounds for so long. And, considering Steve and his sense of duty... Part of him had wondered if Steve would see him differently. If he’d be disappointed in him for this. Two years ago he told himself that what Steve thought of him didn’t matter anymore, but apparently that had been another lie he told himself.

The judgment doesn’t come, though. Steve is understanding, he holds him and kisses him, and Tony can’t help but melt into his embrace as the tension he had been feeling disappears. It surprises him that Steve feels this way, but he’s thankful there’s no pushback. He’s tired of arguments. ]

Promise me that you’ll tell me when you need to come back, though? I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come back because of me.

[ He has never wanted him to do that, has never wanted Steve to stop being himself for him. ]

I will. I promise.

[ There's no way for Steve to know how things would have turned out otherwise, but there's a world out there in which while Steve had just lost members of his family, he wouldn't have just lost his son. Things in that world would probably be very different.

But right now, as much as Steve does want to stay and work himself to death, he knows he can't. With Peter gone and everything they've already tried to do, all Steve wants is to spend time with Tony, to grieve with him and make up what he can for the past two years. ]

I'll let Nat know how to contact me, if she needs to. [ Not us, me, so that way, no one will be able to send messages to Tony if he doesn't want them. And as Steve feels the way that Tony's body seems to really settle into his, he nestles his own face into Tony's hair. ]

Even when I am ready, though, Tony... [ His voice is gentle, quiet. ] I need you to know that I meant what I said before. Outside of any trips to space to avenge our son, I'm never leaving you again.

[ Tony notices the me, instead of us when Steve says he’ll let Natasha know how to reach out. He should offer to be a point of contact, too, but he’s not there yet. Maybe later, maybe in a week. Or a month. He isn’t sure, but right now he knows he can’t. It’s a heavy burden to bear, when the thing he had been fearing the most - what he had tried to prepare for six goddamn years has happened and left their lives in shambles.

When Steve reminds him of his promise that he’s never leaving him again, Tony doesn’t know what to say at first. For the first time since seeing each other again, Tony’s immediate reaction to that promise isn’t a flat out denial or disbelief. With how Steve has been acting, and how he has been, he finds himself actually believing that he’s telling the truth.

As if to silently say as much, he tilts his head slightly to kiss his cheek. ]

...I’m really glad you’re back.

[ Steve just hugs him tighter for a second after that, with a soft smile on his face. He's missed Tony and these quiet moments with him so much.

Sometime in the future, when he is ready, he knows there are ways to be back without separating himself from Tony. But those details don't interest Steve at the moment. He's just settled by the fact that he knows they exist. ]

I'm glad I was at the compound when you first got off that ship.

[ He gives him one more squeeze then before he looks down at Tony. ] I should get outta this uniform. But I won't be long, okay?

[ The way Steve hugs him makes a small smile tug at his lips, closing his eyes for a moment as he savors how it feels to be held like this again. ]

Yeah, me too.

[ He can admit that now, at least. It worked out for the best, too, because Tony doesn’t even know how he would have started that phone call if Steve wouldn’t have been there.

He turns to him when he feels Steve shift to look down at him, and he nods slightly. He had completely forgotten about the uniform for a moment. ]

Yeah, take your time. I’m not going anywhere.

[ He kisses his cheek before pulling back so that Steve can get up. ]

[ True to his word, Steve doesn't take long. He does need to leave Tony's room, since Steve's clothes and the shower is on another floor. But getting in and out of his uniform, and caring for it, is so routine that it goes quickly.

He showers too, just so he isn't covered in dried sweat and... space dust, or whatever it the residue is that seems to have coated him. But beneath the heat of the water and the white noise of the splatter against granite and glass, all of Steve's thoughts, for once, are completely with Tony.

In the end, only about fifteen minutes pass before he's back, because while he's been gone, he can think of nothing else, no one else. And coming back into the room, Steve meets Tony's eyes, and his own are filled with a nostalgic kind of yearning. There was something he wanted to do when he got off the ship today, and now that it's just the two of them, he closes the door behind him and walks toward Tony, whether he's still on Steve's bed or if he's moved himself to his own.

Then, as long as Tony doesn't give him any cues to back off, he only pauses twice. First, when he's right in front of him, before both his hands move up to cup Tony's face. And second, before he leans in to give Tony the kiss he wished he'd given him two years ago in that glass room with the Accords on the table. If that all goes to plan, then the rest, well, how Steve and the kiss feels is all details. Steve's hair is damp, and the feel of his lips and his hands is even warmer than normal, since he's absorbed more heat from his shower. He's wearing his old pajamas — worn out subtle Iron Man swag he bought at a store when they first got married and has slept in ever since. But with the kiss itself, Steve only has two things he's trying to say.

Tony, I've missed you. I love you. ]

[ While Steve is gone, Bruce brings by a portion of the elixir that Carol had been talking about and has him drink it before removing the IV line from his wrist. The plan is to drink a portion of it tonight, and the rest in the morning, to ensure his body has enough time to process it properly. It's not a cure all, but it's meant to give his body a boost so that it won't have to work so hard to recuperate.

By the time Steve comes back, though, Tony is alone again and lounging on Steve's bed as he stares out the window. It's not the blank, empty stare he has been having on most days during the last week; there's more focus in his eyes than before, and when he hears footsteps, he's faster to react. Especially since he knows those footsteps damn well.

The sight of Steve in his old pajamas surprises him, though. For some reason he hadn't expected to see those pants again but, before he can say anything about them, Steve is closing the distance between them and his hands are cupping his face. Tony doesn't flinch, or pull back; instead, he leans slightly against his touch, and when Steve kisses him back he returns the kiss in kind. All this feels so familiar to how it used to be once upon a time, that he can't help but feel a sense of warmth filling him up from the inside. Things aren't the same, of course - they're both different, their lives are now so different than how they were the last time they had seen each other on good terms two years ago, but for the first time Tony actually believes that this can work out. That maybe they actually have a chance.

I love you, too, Tony's kiss answers. I'm so glad you're here. ]

endgame open post

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apparently i am awful

it’s okay i am too

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ummm did not expect this but here you go

;-;

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steve has one more thing he wants to do post-shower, so don't end yet :D

no problem!

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