[ Tony lets him keep his face buried in him as he works through what he’s feeling, his own tears silently slipping past. When Steve pulls back, he reaches up to help wipe his tears as well, oblivious of his own until Steve’s thumb brushed against his face, and he can’t help but pause for a moment when he says he’s so grateful he’s alive. Not in a bad way, but Tony himself still hasn’t been able to allow himself to be glad to be alive. Every night he falls asleep wondering why he’s still here, why he was spared.
That’s why, when Steve asks that question, it doesn’t really ruffle him at all. It’s something he has been feeling the weight of since Peter disappeared in his arms, and for a moment he can feel himself being back in Titan. He can hear him, telling him that he doesn’t feel so good. He can hear him telling him how he doesn’t want to go as he clutches at him, as if somehow he could keep him tethered there for a bit longer, but ultimately he had just disappeared right in front of his eyes. He can feel the dust between his fingers, he can feel it burning in his lungs, and—
And he makes himself blink back to reality. To their room, the silence of it. There’s no ruins surrounding him, it’s just the compound. There’s just Steve.
Finally, he answers: ]
Every day. Every day I wish I wasn’t here so he could be. [ His throat feels so dry suddenly, but he keeps talking. ] ...I shouldn’t be here, Steve. I almost died. I should have died [ he corrects bitterly ] but the guy that had the time stone traded it for me. For some god damned reason I can’t figure out, he gave Thanos the stone so he could spare me when he was ready to end it.
[ He pulls back from Steve then so he can sit on the edge of the bed, his own survivor guilt finally coming to the surface. ]
All I keep thinking is that, maybe if he wouldn’t have done that, Peter could have come home. He’d be here, and he’d be okay. But he didn’t. He traded it, and why? For this? [ He shakes his head slowly, heavily. ] It wasn’t worth the trade.
it’s okay i am too
That’s why, when Steve asks that question, it doesn’t really ruffle him at all. It’s something he has been feeling the weight of since Peter disappeared in his arms, and for a moment he can feel himself being back in Titan. He can hear him, telling him that he doesn’t feel so good. He can hear him telling him how he doesn’t want to go as he clutches at him, as if somehow he could keep him tethered there for a bit longer, but ultimately he had just disappeared right in front of his eyes. He can feel the dust between his fingers, he can feel it burning in his lungs, and—
And he makes himself blink back to reality. To their room, the silence of it. There’s no ruins surrounding him, it’s just the compound. There’s just Steve.
Finally, he answers: ]
Every day. Every day I wish I wasn’t here so he could be. [ His throat feels so dry suddenly, but he keeps talking. ] ...I shouldn’t be here, Steve. I almost died. I should have died [ he corrects bitterly ] but the guy that had the time stone traded it for me. For some god damned reason I can’t figure out, he gave Thanos the stone so he could spare me when he was ready to end it.
[ He pulls back from Steve then so he can sit on the edge of the bed, his own survivor guilt finally coming to the surface. ]
All I keep thinking is that, maybe if he wouldn’t have done that, Peter could have come home. He’d be here, and he’d be okay. But he didn’t. He traded it, and why? For this? [ He shakes his head slowly, heavily. ] It wasn’t worth the trade.